27th October 2019
In my short time and limited experiences within this world I've be able to gather one thing; We human beings are a lot like onions – we have many layers. And when we start to peel them back our true essence starts to appear.
But how often do we (honestly) get deep and raw? Just like a good onion it can make our eyes stream incessantly. On the surface things can appear shiny and pleasant, but once we get to the core, well, that's where the magic really begins to happen. Some of our deepest and most poignant emotions are evoked, replayed and relived right in that very moment.
But it feels like there’s something preventing us from getting to the inner recesses of our being. We’ve been conditioned to avoid pain, suffering, and feelings of unease. As a child when we suffered a loving embrace from our mother would warm our hearts. When you went for your vaccines your were likely given a sweet treat for bravery. The chances of these habitual responses to pain and suffering being passed through adolescence into your adult years are pretty high.
It is believed most of our behaviours and reactions to our emotions and feelings are developed in the first six years of our lives. The brain is extremely malleable in these earlier years. It’s why people find change such a daunting and difficult task in later life. Once I’d realised this was the case I started to observe my own reactions and behaviours to pain and discomfort. I had to become the watcher, free from the conditioned self.
Unnerving at times, I’d recoil back, finding excuses to justify my habitual behaviours resurfacing even though they weren’t serving me (we’re all comfort eaters right?). It always came back to a sense of comfort and ease. Our egos become attached to a known outcome. They don’t like going into the realms of the unknown.
My greatest struggle has been with masking overwhelming feelings of anxiety, with food, drink, and a concoction of powders, pills and potions deemed unlawful by society. I’m not ashamed to admit I was addicted to the tranquilliser ketamine through my mid twenties. It was my comfort blanket of sorts, a way of burying my head in the sand and not facing the fears I had within myself which I ultimately projected on to the world.
Why? I was petrified by the age old taboo of death. I let the fear of the unknown grip me so tight that the only place I could find some solace in was the thin line between reality and tranquillised tranquillity.
I believed I had little reason to live. My life could be over whilst I was dreaming. Why not go out on my own terms. End the suffering of not knowing what the fuck any of this was about, why I’d developed a disease of the brain and been entrapped in a society seemingly devoid of it’s soul, lacking understanding, empathy, and love.
I went to the woods armed with a ratchet strap, pen and paper. I wondered aimlessly, guided by my foolish mind, which was in over drive going through all the problems I’d constructed and wasn’t willing to face any more. Better I get out now before I do any more damage. I picked my tree and sat upon the damp autumn leaves staring up at its crooked bare branches. What on earth do I write? How do I leave a note to my beloved family and friends on me not being able to handle my fears and short comings as a human being? Thankfully that’s as far as I got.
I crumpled into a ball of whaling tears clinging on to the thin ray of light that suddenly hit me. I can’t do it. You’d create more unnecessary pain and suffering. There has to be another way. And then it dawned on me; the light was showing me the way. The path, a guiding hand, call it what you want, something took a hold of me and has been ushering me along ever since – unrelenting unconditional love.
That day five years on is still quite vivid in my mind having recently resurfaced. Why? I believe to remind me of my purpose to keep walking the path laid out before us all. The path of liberation towards the unknown, using the guidance of our soul and the souls that undoubtedly end up wondering across our path as angles, sages, guru’s and guides.
I lay here now writing these words fully submerged in my presence. I am not my past. I am not my future dreams. I am not the name or body I was given at birth. I am not what your perceive me to be. I am vulnerable. I am fallible. I am learning each and every second of the day that I am everything and nothing. I am an eternal soul.
I come to you with an open heart and clear mind because I truly do care beyond which any known words can express.
And I share this with you for two reasons;
Firstly as a means of self therapy. I’ve had some deep and honestly quite unsettling emotions arise of late. I’ve sat with them and endured their presence with the knowledge of knowing they have something to teach me. Pain is the greatest teacher we will ever encounter. I’m now fully devoted to it’s offerings. There’s no need to mask it. Just surrender to it’s nurturing nature. My soul is feeling fuller and more nourished for the experience.
And my hope is this will resonant with other individuals who have gone, or are going through, similar anguish, especially males. You are not alone. When one suffers we all suffer. Don’t be afraid to admit your pains. It is not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of strength. Embrace it’s authenticity and get to the root cause. Please don’t mask it, it will only fan the flames. Turn to your most near and dear. There here for you, as well all are.
Yours in love and health,